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Madness
'But we do not have to think that human nature is perfect for us to still believe that the human condition can be perfected. We do not have to live in an idealized world to still reach for those ideals that will make it a better place.' - Obama
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Narcissism
Yellow flower in the field |
Monsters
layout by: eight-fishies very much inspired by: rearrange |
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
4:55 AM
sticky, sticky, glue-y, glue-y girlo. GET YOUR STICKINESS OFF ME! ta's! girlfriend <3 Tuesday, January 29, 2008
3:55 AM
you tell me that you need me, then you go & cut me down. Monday, January 28, 2008
6:07 AM
i pressed a wrong button, my post's gone! screw.... love your smile, somehow i can't forget it..you're pretty & all! SWEET! love words. love compliments. happy birthday, DeeDeee [: sis's birthday today, bought her chocolate. THE CHEAPO-EST CHOCOLATE EVER!! haha :D angel's/whitecat's birthday tmr. training; hillrun & 1.6km (we walked :D) hillrun.. runrunrunrunrun, pantpantpantpantpant, againagainagainagainagain. 5 times, small numbers, yes. 5 times, tiring, VERY! we resorted to this, cos we were so tired during 1.6km: "brown tree with brown leaves" "flag post with colourful flags" "bus-stop with no buses" "school with nobody" so we chanted as we walked/jogged outside school.. sad case, huh? i'm going to sit down, think & smile! goodnight! ta's! love the compliments from you. Sunday, January 27, 2008
5:55 AM
jiayun's talking about dying.. THAT'S SCARY. you know, in the Bible, they state about the end of the world & stuff that's going to happen. & all these while i've been wondering if, like, we go to heaven, do we still remember each other or is it, like, we'll all be different. & i'm afraid that i'll forget the wonderful person that has taught me how to laugh just by sitting beside her; jiayun <3 my sis's birthday tmr, think i'll be getting her chocolate or something (& make her grow fat, jkjk!) ta's! physical attractions Friday, January 25, 2008
11:41 PM
words may look & be read so normal, but when they come from Jiayun, they always turn out great :D they may be the ugliest looking words, but they hold much more meanings that any other. thanks, yun, for always being the brightest flower; that's why i spotted you & always will! as long as there's me, you'll never cease to exist [: quarrels were made to bond people together. friends come in all shapes & sizes. but do make sure they have a shoulder for you to lean on. house practise today; mass dance. it was funn..& crappy. HAHA! ta's! memories bring back tears, you bring me Joy that lasts forever. love you, Yun; love you like never before <33 Wednesday, January 23, 2008
4:51 AM
when everything falls, just smile & walk away, even if it hurts to know that you aren't here anymore. cover the hurt, move on with the smile. it's fine with me when someone miscommunicates with you. BUT I'M NOR FINE WITH IT WHEN SOMEONE COMPLAINS ABOUT YOUR FAULTS when it's only a miscommunication. seirously, i was just like..fish her! you know i don't go saying fish, BUT SERIOUSLY, you can't help it saying fish to a bitch! & me, being this gay-ass freako today, cried... it sucks, doesn't it? don't know why i'm so brittle these days. it's like small things happen & i think so much about it. there's this senior in track who has asthma, we did 450m; 3 sets. at the end, she told me, "i've got asthma, take care of your lungs." small words. but if you think about it.. it means a whole lot of stuff. what if you have asthma & you're always at risk of having an attack. SCARY! honestly, i've been trying to live everyday past, just by saying that tmr everything will be fine. but it's like every tmr is just as bad.. & i don't like it when all the bad things hit at me. it's too big a blow to handle. i don't like it one bit. i hate training. i hate training, cos i don't want to be serious about track anymore. i figured it's no use striving for the best when the best is never you. don't tell me about persevering anymore! DON'T! sports school. tell me if you can be the best now, joeline.. & i'm being so freaking sensitive now. that i just want everything to go smoothly. i want training to end fast; ending up asking rachel for the time every 5min. i want problems to run away. i just want to be someone normal.. so weird, yes, i know.. but it's like..i'm never someone normal. cos there's always someone noticing me. &..i don't like it. in less than a week, there were 2 miscommunications. what more can i face? when i smile & say, "i'm fine, it's okay..." it's like you feel..burdened, in a way. you've got to make sure you're okay when you're not. it's not about revealing who you really are, but pretending to be someone you want to be. it's about forcing yourself to believe in false identities. i hate it! & tonight, i'm not going to tell myself that tmr will be better. i'll just read my book till i fall asleep. well, if reality is not going smoothly my way, i'll stick to my fantasy, literally. if i could, i'd shoot the bitch down & even if she's dead, i'll shoot her till my bullets are no more & say, "SORRY! that was a miscommunication." what has happen, affects. affects others. even if you apologise. freaking bitch, watch your step. it's so annoying with so much shit around. ta's! don't you know, you've just ruined everything. Tuesday, January 22, 2008
if you've lost your sight, you'll miss me. 3:25 AM
training tmr. FREAK! training's tiring & elle & i believe that it isn't working. doubt i'll be pwn-ing training tmr. kenna scolded by PE teacher today. for talking oO tell me who doesn't talk during PE? homework & filing gradually gets more. arms are aching from training yesterday. THIS SUCKS! i got a 'death threat' this morning that ruin my day (up till 12am) it bloddy was a misuderstanding. oh, freak. shut up, don't you feel the heat sending death threats to a wrong person? L-O-S-E-R that's what you call it. ta's! raindrops are falling on my head. it's so funny when you meet loser people on the bus & they happen to spill water in front of you & you can't help it but to laugh at them. I'M SO MEAN!! & there was this twit on a bus i took, she was...taking emo pics of herself on the bus, & i, as usual, was trying my best to stop laughing.. haha. will be writing commonwealth essay on Thur, I'M DOING THE ONE WITH..um....LOSE OF 4 SENSES [: [cos that one seems to be the easiest. haha!] there's a lot of laughing going on in school these days cos of how lame we get. & loads of people sulking by the end of the day, & i was happen to be laughing when they sulk..TOO BAD! muahahaha. it's like mornings are so stone-ish cos i always get really sleepy & people start asking why i'm so sad oO lol. i've stopped music for a moth & a half now. [& IT FEELS DAMN GREAT :D] canteen food is getting boring. the queues are always so long..& as juniors...you know.. but..they've got really nice fruit shakes. i use to tell people that it's about enduring the stupid people. that was a random thought. & got mosquito bites!!! no, i'm not going to have dengue -.- it's so scary to be blind! i'll cry if i were blind.. THAN I'LL BE CRYING THROUGH BLIND EYES! that's scary.. i'm currently on The Thirteenth Tale. it's not a loser, ghost story. honestly, i don't exactly know what it's about. so i far, i'm aware that it's about a mysterious author with a sad past....? or something like that. but it's a nice reading! ta's! [i just realise that i've gotten very boliao] i've fallen over the edge, & flying past you. Monday, January 21, 2008
5:39 AM
it's like i don't know you anymore, it's like i'm knocking on your day, waiting for it to open. maybe we're strangers, maybe i don't have the oppurtunity to talk to you as much. maybe it's the fact that we were Besties that happened to go different ways. & i'll stand on the outside, waiting for you reply. Saturday, January 19, 2008
2:08 AM
sometimes i feel like ripping out everything i feel, than you'll know what words you can use for those feelings. i never know what words take their space. it's strange, isn't it? i remember; use to hate people in primary school. i didn't show/ tell them how i felt. it's like i took them as challenges, to.. to, like, change the way i am. it's like a maze, you don't know if you'll get lost. there's excitement & mystery. words are so cool. they express everything you feel. rightt, i'm being stupid.. 1:24 AM
there are so many pictures stored in my head snapshots of primary school. sitting on the table, kicking chairs. pissing teachers off. running to other corridors during our 5min break & kenna scolded by teachers cos we weren't suppose to. & i'm afraid to lose these pictures, cos they hold so much memories. they're pictures that you can't take with a camera, they're pictures that you take with youe eyes & somehow remember them for a long, long time. i don't want to share them either, i don't know if i should. if they disappear, i'll never get them back. if i tried recalling them, maybe they'd never come back. new schools, new people. you make a wrong turn, you fall into a hole. you don't know if someone will pull you out again, you really don't know. don't know if you can trust your new..'friends' inside; they're still strangers. not that you want them to be, but trust takes a fairly long time. you can't be besties with someone when you've just met. YOU CAN'T. cos that's a rule..LOL. but, really, you can't. jiayun, don't be a social outcast without me. & MAKE SURE BITCHELL'S (jkjk!) NOT YOUR BESTIE EITHER. otherwise i'll call you a fishball.. MUAHAHAHHAHA. ta's! when the rain pours, we'll get drench together. you could just throw away your umbrella, ella, ella, a, a, a... Friday, January 18, 2008
6:01 AM
i took you up, you brought me down. i made you high & you smiled. stupid satisfactions; lose that feeling in a minute & you'll always forget. lame smiles that brighten your day, a heart that's over sensitive; reaction takes time. a mask that covers the truth, a smile that hides the unhappiness. 5:56 AM
you know what, i'm going to stay away from posting. cos it's freakishly freaking me out. & i hate blogger today. cos online journals are stupid. (for today) BYEBYE, BLOG. DON'T NEED TO MISS ME, MY LIFE'S WORTH MUCH MORE THAN YOU. TA'S! Wednesday, January 16, 2008
5:29 AM
let me teach you how to kill a living heart. stab it. step on it. cut it into 7 pieces. squish all the blood out. smear it on someone's face. run away. it's so scary, isn't it? how do'u describe that kinda feeling.. you know you feel like..so.. soo... sensitive & dark inside. DO'U GET IT? no. oh, man.. you don't ]: okay. it's like.. you feel rather cold, damp, (not emo) &..weird. I DON'T KNOW LA ]: sucker. ESCAPADE; blood runs low. 5:25 AM
stupid. he said, "just another girl" "oh, i was advicing her" -& avoided the last question- o_O shitt, i'm dying again. dying on the inside.. i'm sorry, i thought you died down in my life. 4:54 AM
can't post. my mum doesn't want me to. I'M A GUAIKIA <3 haha. i'm scared i turn into a lesbo. that's a noun for les. BYE! goodnight! stupid girlfriend. Monday, January 14, 2008
5:28 AM
i finished cutting out pictures, typing out a cheena compo, doing a mind-map, learning my cheena ting xie. & i did that...after training. not bad, huh? had training in RG. warm-up 2 rounds, stretch, strides. THUNDERSTORM <3 gym; light workout. stamina training, up & down the school. it's surprisingly really tiring. cos rachel, elle & i didn't really expect it to be that tiring. i love rain <3 so thunderstorms are the bestest <33 the worst thing is that training's @ 3pm. classes end @ 2.50pm & i've got no time to change!! so..just change in class. guys, don't get the wrong idea. we don't strip in class, LOL. & there's rachel, as usual, laughing at me o_O cos i start to panic & stuff. hmph. we were talking about WHAT'S LIFE during bio. & we were talking about living things eating stuff & marissa went chicken-rex! lol. than as the talk continues, jingwen starts laughing about dinosaurs being carnivores. LOL. she's damn funny :D today's a great day. IN RAINED [: ta's! goodnight, dudes & dudettes. acidic teardrops to disfigure your appearance. Saturday, January 12, 2008
5:15 AM
came back from OC today. it was G-R-E-A-T! we had station games, concert prep & loads of screaming. so, yea..really tired now. the bathing part was really BAD. TRUST ME, I MEAN IT. so some people, me, started washing our heads over the sinks, cos it was WAY too crowded. lunch today was equally bad, with dull-coloured vegetables that looked reallu lifeless. had 2 cakes last night for the Jan Babies, HAHA. & our PSLs too. ShiYing couldn't finish her stupid piece of bread. so we started saying that if she didn't, she wouldn't grow & she'll have cancer, LOL. "you know, if you'vee got cancer, it's not like anyone will really care, but at least you've got to care about yourself.." i know, i'm mean.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. & i was trying my BEST-EST BEST to get her to unstick off me. it's scary to have people sticking to you, okay.. & she had a stomachache during Raffles Intiation. so we were trying really really hard to get her to sit at the back [: WE SUCCEDED!! pro, right? thank you! & i've got a dinosour in my class. & she's not happy she's called chicken-rex. LOL. BUTBUTBUT..IT'S REALLT FUNNY, ALRIGHT.. jingwen, this really really cool guy-girl from my class is soooo cute! she's so GUY! & we keep laughing cos of the dinosour, hahaha :D & many many stupid things. she does the stupid things, not me, lol..kiddin' BUT SHE'S A DAMN NICE PERSON FROM MGS WHO DIDN'T MANAGE TO TURN OUT BIMBO [: sweet, isn't it? oh, we slept in the hall & anissa kept poking jingwen. so it's like, everyone's quiet, lights are out & suddenly someone goes, "OUUCCH!" lol, it happened more than once, k. damn funny. concert was..lalala. our performance was really short compared to the other classes. we took 2.48min. we didn't win, but it was FUUN [: out PSLs gave us a..name thingy each with a Miss XXX. mine was Miss Ra-ra <3 haha. & we had friendship bands, although they were not exactly bands. more like..short strips..lol. fyi, i'm class secretary. so i take the attendance everyday. (although i DON'T. haha!!) & i help to..umm, i seriously don't know what i'm expected/ supposed to do. so i just smile & pretend to be helpful, lol. JKJK! training in RG on Mon. YAY, MAN!! can pwn coach's training. damn tiring one ]: WOOOTS! i've got loads of cheena homework from the cheena lady !@#$%^&*()_+ & i've got to memorise the stupid ting xie ]: SUPER ANNOYING LA. i want to sleep. i'm going to sleep. goodnight. ta's! close your eyes, let me take you to Neverland. we'll never grow up. no, we'll never grow up.. Thursday, January 10, 2008
5:58 AM
 you watch the clock go. you watch life pass before you. & i sit at the table, imagining that you are there, in front of me. having a cup of tea. & once you speak, you disappear. than i'd wish you never did speak. we could just look & cry. we are capable of nothing else other than that. i don't want you to fade away, like how everyone is. because you are different. you understood me Different. 5:49 AM
Foolish, girl. Don't you know that you're forgotten? The world won't wait for you to smile anymore, you will have to, whether you like it or not. Open your eyes & stop imagining. Those illusions were your nightmares; they were what you feared most, because you treasured them. You held them tightly to yourself. You can't keep your friends in pocket, you video the times in your head forever, you can't record their voices in your ears for life. You can't always say that a stare was a glance. Stop fooling yourself; telling yourself that everyone is around. Stop living in your world of denial; Your fantasy is illusion. The illusion that murdered you. They're gone, & so will you be, from them. 5:22 AM
i figured that i'm forgotten. Long forgotten. training yesterday was bad. coach started it. i was going to run & he said, "remembered the previous year when you were on this lane.." we were running on Lane 4. the champ's lane. i thought of everyone, & i thought of you. it's like, it's like everything's not the same anymore & it'll never be. & i don't want to let go but i know it will. yea, YOU. i couldn't pass the baton to Nat. a disappointment; YES. & i just stopped there. i was running & i just stopped. i've never did that. i was..thinking of so much. thinking of OUR team. thinking about everything we did, as a TEAM; together. i don't like the change, cos it's not the same. you wouldn't be there, it'll be a replacement. IT WON'T BE THE SAME, DON'T YOU GET IT? IT WONT!!! & I HATE IT! I HATE IT SO BAD! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE TO KNOW THAT YOU'LL NEVER BE THE 2ND RUNNER AGAIN. & I HATE IT SO MUCH! THAT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT SO MANY THINGS WHEN I RUN, I END UP TRIPPING OVER MYSELF LIKE A FREAK, I KEEP THINKING I'M TOO SLOW FOR EVERYTHING & I END UP EXPECTING SO MUCH FROM MYSELF. & i feel like i can never keep up & i WON'T. i feel like i keep losing..i don't like losing. nobody does! camp tomorrow, hopefully..hopefully i'll get over everything. the problem with new friends; you don't know if you can trust them. you don't know if they're just smiling for the world to see. stupid, that's exactly what's going on in me. i want to stop track. i can't. i don't want to. but i want to. it's dumb ]: i loved track in Pri school, cos there was always support from the team. it's like we never give up on each other. we're the clique. always together, for everything; getting in trouble, laughing our heads of, being so sarcastic, laughing at each other's lameness. it's like, it's over. i don't want it to be. & that's stupid, cos i want everything MY way. & i can't, i can't have it all the time, just like i can't always eat my favourite purple ice-cream @ Bishan Stadium all the time ]: S-T-U-P-I-D. & now everything's different. i can't find someone who is capable of making me laugh for no particular reason. I CAN'T. i'm the bloddy idiot entertaining the class, just so i can hide my fear. just so i'll think of something else. & i keep thinking of you & me, laughing. & the whole class is just staring at us, thinking how nutty we are. & my class now, there's no one like you. & it really hurts to know that. am i expecting too much? i doubt so. i'm just looking for someone like you, but i can't. i can't put up a Wanted poster & ask for someone who could make me happy. it would be different. it would be different!! different from how everything was in place for me. i want you back. i can't. don't you know you're forgotten? i don't want to believe that. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!! Tuesday, January 08, 2008
2:01 AM
muahahaha, jingyen, i've still got your darling ManU cap :D 1:51 AM
haven't been posting; have been pretty busy lately. I'M NO LONGER THAT ANTI-SOCIAL KID THAT PEOPLE STARE AT :D that's a good acheivement if you're wondering.. had dance practice today. NO, I'M NOT A DANCER -.- but yes, i am.. lol. i got sabo-ed into being a dancer..sniff. don't laugh, okay... OC; Orientation Concert. storyline: about a dancer falling, & getting back in place again. so..dance practise was bad. it was good @ the start, of course.. IT WAS AWFULLY GREAT [: than.. *thunderstorm* someone starts laughing. someone starts sulking. so.. when you can't stand it, you must ren3. & when you can't do that anymore, you ask them to shut up & than smile ever-so-sweetly & say sorry. & IF THAT DOESN'T WORK.. smile & try to be the nice-guy -.- & IF THAT DOESN'T WORK.. JUST ASK THEM TO SHUT THE HELL UP & proceed with vulgarities if necessary. haha. so..of course, i TRIED to be nice & was thinking, "what's the point of saying all this crap when you dont' mean it at all, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME. YOOOHOOO, get a life, man -.-" than the answer came, "YOU'RE SAYING ALL THIS CRAP SO THAT SHE'LL SHUT THE HELL UP.." rightt. we got like 2/3 of the dance <3 COS WE'VE GOT WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN CLASS. lol, i'm contradicting myself. (my previous post) BUT JUST..FORGET ABOUT THAT ONE, OKEE.. classes start next week. close your eyes & relaaaxx. hmph. so i'm the director. Oooooh.... LOL. i'm happy. got stuff to do. practise your dance, k.. THAT'S AN ORDER!! ta's! i need room to breathe, space to be in. Saturday, January 05, 2008
6:07 AM
BTWBTWBTW, I FORGOT TO POST THIS: LEON'S IN SJI, SAME CLASS AS ANDRE, NOT THE SHORT & BLACK ONE FROM NYPS. & JEREMY'S IN SJI TOOOOO.. ISN'T IT SWEEET? okay. ta's! Cinderella, MURDERED BY Joe-derella. MUAHAHAHAHAHHA! 5:37 AM
had house practise this morning, @ 7.20am ]: i'm in WADDLE; YELLOW; DUCK house. & sadly, i still support Hadley, purple house, cos i was there, 2 days ago ]: I'M A TRANSFER KID!! no, i didn't transfer school, i transfered my bloddy class.. okay, these are the names i remembered/ the people i tried making friends with: yiling huixuan jaslyn evangelyn THAT'S IT, can't remember the rest. don't laugh, okay.. you should be happy i'm making an effort to socialise [: we had house selection for Long-D. so we had the Beep Test. you know, you run after every beep & the beeps beep faster as the level goes higher. rachel & myself didn't wanna do Long-D for sports day.. so you know, we dropped out when there were like 5 people left. & the surprising thing is that, EVERYONE ELSE DROPPED OUT WITH US. lol. we'll be having short-D, long & high jump, javelin, short part & some other thing i can't remember. & i'll have to get another time slot for my EL class cos we've got PSL sessions after house practise. had my 1st EL class today. my group; 3 people; 2 guys & myself. they're both from Cat High & they only realised that they're in the same school today -.- they got the same marks for PSLE. & one guy asked me which school i was in when i was in my school-U. sigh.. we'll still be having orientation next week, & there wouldn't be as many talks :DDDDD btw, do'u know how annoying it is to tie your hair in the morning? & i go to school asking everyone if my hair's fine & they start laughing o_O IT'S NOT FUNNY, OKAY.. & everyone will say, "don't worry, there're no guys here to look at you.." & i'll ask again, "IS MY HAIR FINE????" so when you talk about looks in an all-girls school, they talk about guys -.- IT'S NOT ABOUT WHO LOOKS AT YOU, IT'S ABOUT YOU LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, DAMN IT.. okay, maybe you guys, no, you girls are different. cos i'm fine with guys looking at me with my hair like shit. cos if they comment about your hair, you just mess their's up [: haha. okay, where was i..? oh, yea..orientation. we'll be having a camp, concert & class flag thingy. I'M TRYING TO SOCIALISE SO THAT I HAVE A SAY IN CLASS. (otherwise everyone will dao you -.-) we're; 6g-ers, are going to visit Yang on Mon. 3.45pm gene changed the time to 3.45pm cos rgs ends at 3pm [: so sweeeeeet <3 lol. my dad's started watching youtube. LOL. it's so amazing! he use to complain about how lame it was & now.. MUAHAHAHHAHAHA. ta's! the clock struck midnight, GOODBYE, Cinderella. HELLO, Joe-derella! Friday, January 04, 2008
1:59 AM
i got transfered from 1o2 to ----> 105 ]: & lots of people got transfered out of 102 too.. so i've got to remake all my friends. new class is awfully over enthu about everything. so i decided to be anti-social just for today. cos i was damn sad. 102 was G-R-E-A-T! everyone was so normal, sports people, happy people, friendly people. 105 is so NOT bonded. people who want to suck-up to the student leaders, people who are quiet like dunno what, people who want to disagree with what the class decides on, people who just sit down & stone, people who are different from me. so it's not exactly their fault, but i'm having a really hard time trying to click with them. & I'M TRYING SO HARD TO FIT IN, COS I'VE TAKEN LIKE AN HOUR TO UNDERSTAND THE FACT THAT I'M TRANSFERED TO ANOTHER CLASS. but, of course, there are people in 105 who try to be friendly, just that i wasn't in the mood to socialise today. so life is upside down; currently. i've been busy. house practise tomorrow. cos of the change in class, my house has been change to Waddle, yellow house, duck. & my class is so into painting a duck on the class flag -.-'' quack. they can't even decide on a nice design for the flag & when they want something, they have to have it. so a Transfer like me, has NO say at all. pathetic, isn't it? & when we go for recess, everyone finally sees me smiling cos i run to 102. so i'm damn sad now. cos i'm in this class with so many wanting-to-be-IT people. so ive decided i'm going to be a normal person, really NORMAL person, studying, i don't care if i've got friends, i'm just me. & i'll continue to socialise with the people in 102. cos they're damn nice, great people who are willing to understand. ta's (to all the great people only, not for the stupid morons.) bitch class, bitch people. Wednesday, January 02, 2008
4:13 AM
i thank all who expressed their well wishes to me. DITTO <3 1st day of school ]: we had talks & talks & talks & talks. boredom. has. turned. me. crazy. the food in the canteen is awfully B-A-D. i ordered rice with egg & the stupid egg had shells in it o_O HELLO, UNCLE, I DIDN'T ORDER THESE EGG SHELLS!! tmr i'll be having: talks. more talks. & more talks. & many more talks. & more talks. that's how sad my life is. i made 5 new friends [: i'm trying to hard to be sociable.. coach is scaring me on how much he wants me to do 4x400m [: HELLOOOO, i cried the other time cos i was freaking out! & he wants me to start training stamina. & i happen to hate it, that's why i'm A SHORT-D PERSON. i'll do my best, & TRY TO STOP FREAKING OUT :D okay, damn tired today. ended @ 3.30pm. came home, S-L-E-E-P. lol. i'll end school tomorrow @ 4.15pm. FOLLOWED BY my cheena class ]: ends at 7.30pm.. goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ta's! i've been trying so hard that i'm to be fired soon. |