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Madness
'But we do not have to think that human nature is perfect for us to still believe that the human condition can be perfected. We do not have to live in an idealized world to still reach for those ideals that will make it a better place.' - Obama
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Narcissism
Yellow flower in the field |
Monsters
layout by: eight-fishies very much inspired by: rearrange |
Saturday, March 29, 2008
3:02 AM
the run's tmr. tmr will be the official day that i'm the 3rd runner. tmr will be the day i see jiayun! tmr will be the 1st time i'll be running as the 3rd runner. i just realised that i like to go to the blogs of the people i dislike & make myself piss at them for no apparent reason. strange isn't it? & the more i dislike them, the more i'd go to their blogs, SO..if you're despo for me to visit your blog, make me hate you, HAHA. kiddin' sometimes, i want my bestie to be a happier person, but than at times, i feel hopeless cos i know that i can't see her everyday like i use to, i can't make her laugh for no reason. & when i know that she's sad, i feel damn pathetic; i ain't got the power to do anything, i am only able to sit here & stare blankly at the screen & re-read the words you've written. 'joeline! she's your best friend, why aren't you doing anything?' & those few sentences will ring in my head. it's what i couldn't do that makes me disappointed in myself. i need you to be a happier person, i want you to be a happier person. you stated that happiness is key, you have to search for it; whether in a person or something, maybe it's been always there waiting for you. i'll always be your 99%! that 99% that will always try to make you happy. sorry i couldn't support you today. Friday, March 28, 2008
2:14 AM
i would like to tell you that it's currently raining with lightning & thunder :D Thursday, March 27, 2008
5:17 PM
HELLO. i'm runnning tmr tmr [: i don't know what time. BUT I'M THE LALALA 3RD RUNNER. ]: [: I'M SO HAPPY. camel's back [: i mean..YEA! you get it. JIAYUN, I'LL BE SEEING YOU SOON :D I'LL BE SEEING YOU SOON!!!! Wednesday, March 26, 2008
6:51 AM
i'm the 3rd runner now, SO WHAT? do watch me receive. close your eyes if i fall. cover your ears if i'm disqualified. cover your mouth when i walk by. 6:47 AM
i'm so sick & tired. i'm tired, i don't know why. i'm sick of pushing the blocks to get what i want, cos stupid people keep pushing it back. i'm the 3rd runner, than let it be. let it be. i can't get my way, even if it's the best solution. cos they control me. step forward, now dodge, run! yes..YES! are you done with it? are you done with making my life hell? when will you be done? will you be done soon? why am i a robot? why must i be one? i don't want to be one. Monday, March 24, 2008
6:09 AM
& i've been running, running, running, running, running, running & running. i'm free tonight. but i'll be doing the same again tomorrow & the following day. i wanna be free, i wanna stop this pain. jiayun, YOU'RE DA BEST! ta's! it's about time i need someone to hold on to again. Sunday, March 23, 2008
6:24 AM
i'm awfully piss today. from 6.39pm - now; currently 9.25pm. i saw john & sean; 6i & 6j; visited the track & playing soccer. I'm just really piss right now. & I can't tell you why. cos if i do, my mum will read my blog & she'll be angry. it's not her, relax [: I'm just really piss right now! today was a fine day until it took a tumble down, but that wasn't as bad as falling off a cliff tonight. why is it that people always think that I'm like THAT? when i am not. reason, because you have always been like THAT. but that does NOT necessarily mean that I'm like THAT all the time, does it? it's because of your -[falalalala-ish]- assumptions that caused a misunderstanding & therefore, resulting into a quarrel. gosh, but who's fault was it? YOURS! yea, i know. i can't be pointing fingers all the time. but seriously, is it, i, who always has to bear the full responsibility of taking the blame? yes, i accept the fact that a younger should always respect her elders, but does that mean that the elder should not do the same to the younger? N-O! this time, you started it, you solve it. you don't throw your temper at me just because i rebut in anger about your false statement, your assumptions, your points of view, your perspective, your idea of me. this time, I'm just going to stare at you & look you in the eye & speak my mind. even if you know the meaning of respect & don't know how to show or express it, it is & will be your business & it is as good as a person with NO character. & i do NOT respect people with NO character, you maybe a parent, a friend or whoever. i don't care anymore. if you'd like to play it the rough way, throwing things around, i would gladly & most willingly hand you a knife, the sharpest & biggest that i can find. & we'll see what you can do to vent your anger on me. your anger that was made by YOUR assumptions. don't you see, you're causing yourself high-blood pressure. & you jolly well know that I'm not the type of person who would cry at anybodies funeral, because i think it's pointless. p-o-i-n-t-l-e-s-s! next time, if it happens again. i will be laughing. i won't jerk back or flutter an eyelid. i will laugh & stare. hmm, let's see..maybe it'll piss you off. but do remember, you caused your own anger & you chose to say that i was disrespectful when YOU were the one that doesn't have any character of your own. if you choose to be insensitive to other's feelings, they will treat you the same. if you choose to be angry with one, she will spite you. if you choose to vent your anger on one, she will hand you a knife. if you choose to be sarcastic to one, she will trip you. if you choose to injure one, she will hurt you, not physically, but deep inside. one advice, do watch your back! you must be wondering how did such a close kin become so evil, maybe it's because you DON'T know me well enough; you just DON'T. wasn't it amusing? at one stage, all i wanted to do was to spite you & make you feel miserable. oh, why would joeline do such a thing? because she reached a point where she could not take it anymore & she did not know how to deal with it. all of my actions are because of you. because of YOUR anger, YOUR dissatisfaction, YOUR assumptions & this is, but, my basic retaliation. maybe you don't know that i've been trying, all this while, so be a better person, not to fit in, but to be someone you'd presume as 'perfect'...you would wish that i wasn't so vulgar, rebellious, slack & all. but i chose not be like that, i don't want to become a person who's restricted by the rules of life, i don't want to be lifeless, i don't want to be a follower. i don't want to be the most outstanding, the most competitive, i don't want to be the best among all. i don't want to be the prettiest or the ugliest, i just want to.....i just want to be someone ordinary. i don't want to be someone i don't want to be. don't you know that it hurts on my side too? i know you want to understand me more. but i'm watching the wounds turn to scars, don't you know that scars remain forever? i hate you, you understand? i hate you so much! because you think so lowly of me & you've hurt me; you've hurt me time & again & again & again!! Saturday, March 22, 2008
3:09 AM
heylo! i've just got this feeling like i haven't been posting. wellwell, house prac today at RJ..relay was...lahahaha. i'm 1st runner :D as usual, haha. it's great to be the 1st runner, your fears & everything are the first to be cleared. & you guys should know how i freak out & start....crying. LOL. PSL session, norm. yesterday was Good Friday. i learnt that the Lord died for us as an action of love. something like that.. i hope i didn't say it wrongly ._. church was interesting. & I'M GOING TO CHURCH TMR :D haha. i'm starting to love church, maybe cos..i feel that i don't have a proper social life & i can FINALLY interact, although i..don't in church. strange!!! i should be going for this coming church camp in June & i'm looking forward to it [: i've to go [: ta's! miss you too! Wednesday, March 19, 2008
6:20 AM
sometimes when you go online, you have this kinda feeling, you're expecting someone to be there, & that someone isn't. & it ruins your mood, just a little bit. even worse, when that someone's online & you think that he/she will come around, talking to you, but that person does not. WORSE, that person daos you when you talk to him/her. what a fool i've been, expecting things to come & you just drop so low down. i've watched her make the same mistake again. no, you don't cry anymore; you don't have to. neither do you need to cut the thorns just to get to the roses, you'd be injured, & no one will support you, the plants are simply too dense; just watch them fade & wither. these roses, from now onwards, are none of your concern. you're free now. ta's! open your eyes, & you'll find the right; what you want inside. 3:51 AM
edited. & continued. seriously, i haven't been training for stamina & i am EXPECTED to run long distances. I'M SORRY. i do believe that different people think differently. damn la, i just want to REALLY REALLY CHILL this week & stop freaking myself out with competitions & what not. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. why do people think that prestige schools are great, when they only appear 'pro' on the outside, this is what i call POSERS! anw, learning journey today; we went to HouGang Mall to look for English Errors. yea, we got like 10++ errors, SO WE WENT TO THE PLAYGROUND [: they was A see-saw, NO SWINGS ]: & there was a super cute little kiddo there too. the slides there are short, but cute! we took escalator pictures & the...non-operating escalators, it was early, so majority of the shops were CLOSED!! yea, the most we got were stares from the cleaners there. BUT IT WAS FUN, YEA!! okee, after ice-cream @ Macs, we decided to take a train down to Orchard; Wisma. the shops there were OPEN!! so we...looked at the aquarium from different angles (including the view from the lift), looking for the shark...but, sadly..THE LOSER SHARK DIDN'T APPEAR!! why!? we walked in & out of shops...pissing some owners off cos we were kinda LALALA... I LOVE TOPSHOP. jaslin, the weirdo, walked into TOPMAN & went, 'why all guys stuff one?' RETARDANTO IS BACK! went to Macs for lunch at..what'sthatplacecalled? opposite FarEast Plaza. Heather left her wallet there -.- BUT WE GOT IT BACK :D back to school, an hour of slacking. TO THE...AEROPONICS FARM. i slept while going there, it's super shuang to sleep on the bus <3 guess what? when i got home, i realised that i forgot to bring my house key & no one was at home.. so i decided to walk around the neighbourhood ONCE, & decided to sit at the bus-stop until someone came home -_____- it was fun, though. I MUST LEARN TO GROW UP. i'm learning. hush! ta's! don't turn around. Sunday, March 16, 2008
6:11 AM
cheesecake is love. i get scared, jealous & angry easily. i can't wait for June Holidays. i want to go to Egypt; to see the Pyramids. i'm so scared, i've got to go back to school & there's going to be 10 more weeks of study & i'm feeling queasy of the same few people in my class cos i know them already. & i've got to deal with the same people for 10 more weeks. i think it's scary to see people wearing the same thing as you. & WE'RE ALL WEARING THE SAME SCHOOL UNIFORM. *gasps* wonder how it'll be tmr... oh, welcome back to school, Joeline. you may continue taking the attendace again, you've been doing a great job, yea? & did anyone tell you? you're a real great joker, keep it up, alright? maybe i should stop thinking. now. okay. so i'll have to try to stop trying not to sleep during last block when everyone's pretty dead. ta's! NO, JOELINE. you're not suppose to be Jealous... 1:34 AM
SAA competition today. IHU, JIAYUN :D jiayun was faster than me, so was that-that-that- girl, from lane...7 & that one from..lane 2. HEYLOOO, i was on lane 3 & the other two people were sec 3 O_O haha, jiayun had a poly student, LOL. i figured out why i didn't do well today. i ran slower than i did in school, okayzz. 1. i didn't freak out, that's damn unusual. 2. i was so happy, i don't know why. 3. my muscles were kinda cold, it was windy, okay. 4. the place wasn't as 'grand' as i expected it to be. 5. someone from the crowd cheered ' RAFFLES!' & i smiled -.- i know, i know, very dumb. but it's the 1st time i'm running as a rafflesian, okay! so i was happy when that whoever cheered. 1st 50m i was leading :D 2nd 50m, that-that-that girl & that girl went to catch up. whatever, though. i haven't been training hard enough. jiayun gave me some stuff. she told me not to open it until i reached home (just like my birthday present, i wasn't allowed to open it either -.-) UNTIL I BARGAINED WITH HER [: i could open it when i reached my car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha. YOU'RE WEIRD, FISHBALL <3 tmr's school. it's not fair. i barely had enough time to catch up on my sleep. i'm still in my track attire <3 i like it, very much [: HAHA. mon, training. tue, cheena class. wed, training. thur, cheena class. fri, training. sat, psl sessions at 8.30 (i went at 11pm, lol..i didn't know.) sun, today. competition & church. NAHNAHNAH! BANANA! ta's! mum's calling. these words are my own, how my heart felt, iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou! -J2[it's suppose to be 'square'] AHHHH, JIAYUN!!!! my math's pro, k! Thursday, March 13, 2008
8:15 AM
kieua iflsaukdhflkuwehjthit'snotfair tohou& youdon'tnundertsnadhowcnanayoneverytake itdon'tyou seetheeightbthis attertakes? areyou gonna be afol forvere& bethe so-called guaiepisyouthionkyoubareoyou canot bekethatocos i's notfaur tobyou& yuo;re ny fiencs . even worse i satrted it. 8:04 AM
i'm sorry. i'm gonna cry tonight. i'm gonna die the next night. what's the matter? it's me, that's why. i've caused the boundary to fall, now it's flooded with blood. Monday, March 10, 2008
5:36 AM
 ifiguredthatsee-sawsareasgreatasswings. 5:31 AM
i just realised that i get jealous really easily, just by reading random people's blog. & i'm damn pro at getting people into trouble. & i get scared really easily. no, i'm not scared of the dark, ShutUp. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i think i've been really mean lately, but it's only being straightforward & direct. you know, when someone's being a jerk, you just go, 'FREAKING JERK, SCRAM!' i didn't say that, alright..that was just an example! i only used the underlined part [: oh, i've finished Bio :D Alita left. (Lit; read previous previous post.) ta's! Cross your fingers, hope to die. Stick a needle in your eye. 5:08 AM
UH-OH 1:15 AM
i saw jiayun's mum at CCAB today :D &i'vefalleninlovewithjiayun. OH NO! okay, whatever with the crappiness. i started..being in my sulking mood after training cos i was tired. & i had to ask stephanie to get my shoes for me, although it was...a few steps below me. & she's my senior. but who cares :D i bought strawberry milk tea. IT'SNOTNICE. so..don't ever buy from coro again ]: HMPH. okee. it rained <3 ISN'T THAT AWFULLY SPLENDID? yes! yes! yes! ahh, why am i feeling so retarded today? yesterday i felt super fake, so when i got scolded, i didn't feel sad or anything...IT'S SO WEIRD! i started singing & lalala-ing away. & i didn't do my cool down & stretches today, cos i really didn't feel like it. so i just walked out of the whatever place & went to buy my milk tea [: eldest sister's having a chess tourney today. LALALA. tmr will be my elder sister. LALALA. & tmr tmr will be me. SHUT UP! it's so weird, one of my seniors was like, 'you play chess? O_O' CLASSMATES: 'you play chess? OMG, are you sure?' 'um..joeline, you seriously don't look like the chess type..' 'AHHHHHHH, JOELINE..CHESS??? no, way..man!' OKAY, WHATEVER, PEEPS. i rock & you don't <333333 chessers don't necessarily have to be like the geeks. they don't have to be white (HAHAHA, BOYBOY IS WHITE........zomggggg! lol) [: they can be black, grey, purple or blue too..brown also :D DAMN IT LA, i'm being so retarded!!!!!! i don't know how to do the second page of the bio worksheet on digestion cos i don't know what they're drawing, i only know it looks weird. VERY WEIRD. not that weird. just weird. yea, WEIRD! i can't stand my blogskin, cos when i think of it, i prefer my older one. BUTIDON'TWANTTOCHANGEITCOSI'VEGOTBETTERSTUFFTODO. OMG. same length, cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. dearest joeline, kindly do not be so retarded. OKEE! i'm fine now :D MUAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. maybe not. I'M FINE NOW, OKAY! SHUT UP! [: i finished my cheena homework [: school work: HEEE :D lit. bio. i think that's all.. BUT THE THING IS I TRY NOT TO HATE LIT BUT LIT HATES ME. rightt, lit is lita. lita is alita. alita is a name. I DON'T FRIEND YOU ANYMORE, ALITA! COS YOU HATE ME! hmph. but you see, i've got to love Alita, cos i need to love others tooo. & i've almost flunked Alita; getting a D+ the highest was C+ in my class. so dearest Alita, can you be my friend? AHHHHHHH. I HATE YOU! hmph! stoooooooopid. i get to pon training on wed. -STICKS TONGUE OUT AT ELEESA- muahaha. i'm so tired now. i've been laughing too much. ta's! & i say, shalalalalala, shalala in the morning...OOOOOOOHHHHHH! Saturday, March 08, 2008
6:30 AM
 is there a point in making yourself feel better by decepting yourself? a cup of coffee, will it make you feel better? how about it when i add a heart to it? what's the point of showing me a heart? a plastic heart that can neither understand nor feel? don't speak to me, don't tell me false words that infiltrates me & make me full in a second, & empty after it passes by. they hurt & leave after that. they laugh & mock, they smirk. i'm your extra, when you're bored you speak to me, & when you're not, you choose the paths of lives. don't speak to me anymore! i don't need to be part of your story, i need me to be part of my own world. fantasies don't work anymore, their just deceptions & lies, & people pity you for that, so they play along on the stage; you end up fooling yourself, you end up crying, & you end up looking for someone to confide in, just that this someone was part of your deceptions. & there'll be no one there. there will be nobody waiting for you anymore; you'll be the last to cross the line, alone & afraid. & people will laugh. your wildcards are played; gone. 4:55 AM
youth today. the songs were heavy & rocky, it seemed nice, just for today :D we had games & such, no sermon & CG today. saw Glenn, you know glenn? i met him 2 years ago, SO COOL! & i'm still taller than him [: haha! the 'teardrops on my guitar' song kept sticking in my head, until i reached home, when it changed to Pink- who knew [: IT'S SUPER NICE! Pink is cool [: not pink - the colour -.- ta's! i run as fast as i can, to the middle of no where; to the middle of my frustrated fears. instead of making me better, you're making my itch. Friday, March 07, 2008
3:23 AM
i've changed a song, so you guys can stop muting your computers like how i used to. the previous song was so draggy & annoyingly lalala-ish, so i didn't like it. but this song's slow too :D just that it's N-I-C-E-R! training today. did circuit, some running &....GYM <3 i love it soooooo much, cos it makes me tired. but i don't sweat. how ironic, i'm in track & i don't exactly like to sweat cos it makes me feel all gooey. there was a dried/ baked frog on the track -evil sinister smile- DIE, CREATURE, DIE! lol. ta's! rain outside my window. Thursday, March 06, 2008
5:05 AM
i feel free without you, i'm sorry. it makes me happy to know that i don't have to feel too high, or sad. i can brood over anything but you. i don't need you, dude! get out of my life. loving everything about myself. don't need to know how you're coping, if life is still broken. it's called happiness. 4:32 AM
history's tmr. i hereby declare that i am NOT going for the kelong trip because i don't want to. & YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! i came home today. 'JOELINE! remember to pack your bag, you're going for the kelong trip tomorrow.' O_O i'm not going, okay. I'M NOT. damn it, the happy joeline gets annoyed so easily. don't blame me. i happen to -[hahaha]- track. zzomg -.- my sisters are talking about fat water polo players. SAVE ME! i'm expecting too much. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. so i've decided to do everything at any cost to make myself happy. so i'm sorry to anyone who is sad. i, apparently, don't care anymore; for the time being. haha, singing in class is fun. haven't you heard that i'm going to be okay. Wednesday, March 05, 2008
3:56 AM
training today. lalala. i feel so fake today ]: don't know why either. like a porcelain vase, break it & it'll be gone. like music, when it stops, the fantasy vanishes. was super tired this morning. tried really hard not to sleep. i've got to work hard, cos boyboy has INSPIRED me [: seriously, he has. history this Fri. IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU :D don't be discouraged or disappointed, just trust yourself! to the person that has been messaging me: go away for a week. it's no fun bringing back the memories of the dead. it makes me happy for a second, & sad for a whole day. it's not the moodswings, it's you. i'm so cold-hearted, you can't blame me. i feel too fake today. competitions coming, that feeling of being afraid will be back. ta's! rain down on me, rain down on me, here in Your presence i am stong - planet shakers. Tuesday, March 04, 2008
7:28 AM
ahahahaha, i'm so happy :D 6:27 AM
AHH, bio, bio..i'm done with you! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. HAPPINESS IS LOVE <3 jiayun makes me happy :Dta's! swing, swing, swing goes the chariot, my heart was touched by a fomula. & she lived happily ever after. Sunday, March 02, 2008
7:25 AM
zazazazazaza, i'm jealous again! ZAAAAAAAA! look at me & ask me to take care, will ya? tell me to wait a few more years. tell me it's gonna be alright tonight. 7:15 AM
it's monday tmr ]: starting day of school. every monday, i can't wait for wed. & wed, thur & thur, sat [: YAAAAAY. sat isn't a great day, but it somehow makes me happy cos i like to think that something great's going to happen on sat :D haha. jiayun, i need to know, PLEASE! someone here likes so leave me hanging in suspense ]: bio pt, my plant is created. report: not done yet. DANG! it's due this wed 0830, that's what the paper said!!! well, not said, wrote. ahh, i'm so sad. so much's going on & i don't seem to know what's happening. & i'm so happy while people are so sad.. ]: training tmr @ kallang. whooooshes, man.. -puh-ukes!- my plant is called wukey. adapted from puke-y wuke-y, haha. also adapted from fuzzy wuzzy <--i seriously think it's a dan gay name X: i haven't even started on my cheena tuition's homework & i don't intend to.. I'M SUPPOSE TO BE A GUAIKIA, ARGH! well, it's night time & i'm starting to love sleep cos i've been dreaming 'bout loads of random stuff practically every night :D & it makes me happy. i remembered once, i woke up from my dream & i missed the people in my dream cos they were damn nice people ]: EVIL MAMAS. ta's! don't leave me behind, catch me when i've crossed the board. Saturday, March 01, 2008
3:11 AM
green fingers today ]: i made..1234567 leaves so far :D & my fingers are very green. two leaves are currently drying. no, i'm not a retard that has nothing better to do.. BIO PT; plant. GOOD, YOU GET IT [: founders day today. it was lalalala. it rained <3 rain is love, you don't appreciate rain; SCRAM! & my sis & i were making our way home.. here's the not so exciting part. it was kinda windy when we were making our way to the bus-stop ]: it didn't rain yet T.T lalala, the bus moves...duh! & it started raining..& i got so jealous cos i was watching the rain from inside the bus ]: I COULDN'T GO OUT.... hmph! here's the fun part.. it was raining super heavily, not super..but..superish.. & we were at the opposite bus-stop; from my house. YAAY, WE DIDN'T BRING UMBRELLAS <33>need to go check on my leaves. HOLD IT THERE! one leaf done, the other one..made my finger greener -.- so..i'm writing ANOTHER report. it's a pity i'm not as happy as i was last night ]: i kept smiling about everything, than i started laughing for no reason. . .. ... .... LASTLY, i started freaking myself out cos i thought i was nutts... i love to be happy, WHO DOESN'T? i realised that happiness doesn't always need to come from people. (yes, that's pretty obvious,but it has never occured to me that way.) SO I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE MY NEW LALALAND <333>okay..weird. shut up, joeline! i think i've gotten...d-u-m-b-e-r! the smell of the nippon paint (to spray my leaves) was killing me. I DON'T WANT TO BE DUMB. oh, for Lit, we're doing Flowers For ALgernon. super sad story about this mentally disabled guy who got smart & dumb again..& HE DIED!! who cares o.o damn it, i didn't say that X: jiayun's making me mad ]: ta's! pretty rain. |
